The Life of a Nurse

Nursing Stories Worth Noting:
-I had general anesthesia. That's so weird. You go to sleep in one room and then you wake up four hours later in a totally different room. Just like college.
-During a demonstration about taking blood pressure, a student did the procedure, felt it was right, and told the professor the BP was 120/80. The professor asked if the student was positive and the student assured that she was. The professor then replied, "Okay, very well. But next time please put the earpieces of your stethoscope in your ears."
-I actually have a list of people who are never allowed to care for me should I end up in the hospital, and half of my nursing classmates are named on it. One of my friends thought it was so incredible that she got accepted into the nursing program, until she met most of our classmates, and realized it wasn't so special after all.
-When Frank met with the doctor to review the results of his medical tests, the doctor told him he had some good news and some bad news. Frank asked for the good news first. "Your penis is going to grow two inches in length and an inch in circumference." Frank grinned,"That's terrific! What could the bad news be?" The doctor replied, "Malignant."
-Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her nurse midwife. Before the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you something..."
"I know, I know," the nurse midwife said. "There's no need to be embarrassed. I get asked that all the time."
"You do?" Catherine asked.
"Sure," she said. "Sex is fine until quite late in pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
-Anytime you think you have seen the freakiest of the freaky, someone always comes along who raises that freaky limit.
-I once had a thirty-year-old woman complaining of cramping and vaginal bleeding for one day. The date of her last menstrual period? Exactly thirty days ago. Hmm...wonder what that could be?
-When people call the ER and ask if we are busy, I always tell them that we are very busy. If it's a real emergency, they'll come anyway, and if it isn't (and it usually isn't), they'll just stay home.
-Backboards are not comfortable, especially once you add scraped up skin and alcohol into the mix. You tend to get very uncooperative patients. It's usually some big biker dude who refuses to lie still. What I have learned to tell them is, "If you have a back injury and you don't lie still, there is the possibility that you will never have another erection." I receive immediate and full cooperation.

You Know You Are a Nurse If....
-...Your family won't watch medical television shows with you because you're constantly yelling, "It's not done that way, you idiot!" and "That would never happen!"
-...You dread family gatherings because you know that, as the only nurse in your family, you will have to endure numerous sessions of medical questions.
-...It has been years since you had nice fingernails.
-...You have ever used Chux around the house when working on projects.
-...When you go to the bathroom at home in the middle of the night, you wave your hands under the sink a few times before you realize you don't have a motion sensor on your home faucet.
-...When you're holding a perfectly healthy newborn baby, you can't help scanning for potential IV sites.
-...You think it is acceptable to use "penis" and "vagina" in a normal conversation.
-...You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.
-...You think a shirt that reads "Love a nurse PRN" is funny.
-...Everyone gets treated exactly the same---until they piss you off.
-...When you get a call telling you the name of your next admit and you can do the care plan before the patient gets to the floor.
-...When called for orders, the MD says, "Write them yourself; you know the patient better than I do."
-...You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.
-...You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status.
-...You occasionally park in the space with the 'Physicians Only' sign.
-...You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into the lube while inserting a foley on a patient that has pulled out three catheters on your shift while restrained.
-...You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them.
-...You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.
-...You believe the gene pool could use a little chlorine.
-...Eating food out of a clean emesis basin is perfectly natural.
-...You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.
-...You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word 'quiet' or 'slow' is uttered